


I Hate You; Please Love Me

by Rynmaru



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Beruannie - Freeform, Enemies to Lovers, Enemies to lovers speed run, M/M, Marcel Galliard - Freeform, Marco Bodt - Freeform, Sarge the Dog - Freeform, dealing with PTSD in a healthy way, jean kirstein - Freeform, pieck - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 18:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20697689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rynmaru/pseuds/Rynmaru
Summary: Sometimes a lifetime of bad blood can become something unexpected and beautiful.





	I Hate You; Please Love Me

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday, Amber! This one's all for you! <3

“I hate him.” 

Porco sat in the shade under the playground structure, glaring across the recess yard to the sandbox where another chubby toddler happily played with a dump truck. 

“Mama says hate’s a bad word.” Pieck said, not looking up from the pile of woodchips she was making. 

“He took my truck!” Porco cried, dismayed at his friend for not seeing the gravity of this situation and the magnitude of the theft. Pieck ignored him. 

Frustrated, Porco pushed himself to his feet and ran over to the sandbox, deciding to take back “his” toy. He grabbed it and immediately was met with resistance, looking up to meet Reiner’s wide golden eyes. 

“Give it!” 

“But you always-” 

Porco tugged harder, digging his heels into the sand before slipping and falling. Reiner took this opportunity to tug the truck close again and turn away to continue playing, making engine noises softly to himself as he pushed the truck back and forth. 

Fuming, Porco sat up and went back over to Reiner, pushing him. Reiner just turned away again. 

Porco began to cry in frustration. “Give it back! It’s my truck!” 

He grabbed Reiner’s arm, holding him in place, and leaned in to do the only other thing that made sense to him. He bit Reiner hard and the other toddler screamed in pain. Porco immediately grabbed the truck and ran for it as a nursery school teacher ran to Reiner who had begun sobbing. 

Plopping down on the ground, Porco began his playtime. 

“Pock!” He looked up and saw his mother waiting near the edge of the playground. He got up and ran to her to be swept into a hug. Someone joined them a second later and Porco knew it was his brother, Marcel. 

“Did you two have a good day?” Their mother asked, reaching to smooth back Porco’s hair. Porco nodded, beaming up at his mother. 

“Uh huh! Wanna see my truck?” He asked excitedly. 

“I’d love to see your truck, Piglet.” 

Porco turned to go retrieve the truck only to see an empty patch of mulch where it had been only moments prior. He turned to look towards the sandbox where Reiner was still wailing to see two of the nursery school teachers kneeling by him, one tending to the bite on his arm and the other offering him the truck in an attempt to pacify him. 

Porco screamed in rage and bolted towards Reiner, but his mother caught him and held him back. Now holding the truck, Reiner pointed one chubby finger towards Porco. 

“Tattletale!” Porco yelled, writhing in an attempt to break free from his mother as one of the teachers stood and began walking over. 

“Pock! Pock, we don’t throw fits!” His mother said sternly, used to this by now. 

“Mrs. Galliard?” The teacher had arrived. “May we speak with you for a moment please?” 

Knowing he had lost, Porco threw himself to the ground and scream-cried as his mother stood to speak with his teacher. Marcel crouched by his brother anxiously. 

“Pock, you gotta stop...Mama’s gonna be mad…” 

Porco ignored him and continued his temper tantrum. Around the same time Reiner’s mother arrived. All it took was a glance between her sobbing son with the bandage on his arm and the shrieking red-haired gremlin on the ground to know what had happened and she hurried to comfort Reiner, picking him up and cradling him close. Mrs. Galliard approached her as Mrs. 

Braun began walking back towards the entrance to the school grounds. 

“Karina, I’m so sorry, I honestly thought we had it under control this time, it’s been three months now…” 

“So did I...I know you’re doing your best, twins must be difficult alone.” 

“Still, it’s no excuse for Porco’s actions. I’ll be sure to punish him and you can be certain Bram will hear about this and step in as soon as he gets shore leave.” 

Porco only wailed louder at that, glaring through his tears at Reiner, who had calmed and lay his head on his mother’s shoulder, sucking his thumb. Even in his enraged state Porco had time for scorn at the sight. 

_“He’s such a baby!” _

Mrs. Braun shifted her son’s weight on her hip. “I’ll see if I can get Reiner transferred to a different class with a later start and end time to minimize these encounters.” 

“No no, I can do that,” his mother’s weariness and resignation was palpable. “No need to make 

Reiner leave his little friends. I know he’d hate to leave Bertholt. I’ll move Pock. It won’t be so difficult to put him in the same class as Marcel.” 

Grateful, Mrs. Braun nodded, “Thank you. I’ll see you for coffee Friday?” 

“Same time, same place,” Mrs. Galliard smiled, waving goodbye as her friend walked away. 

Her expression quickly soured though and she walked back to Porco, kneeling by him. 

“Porco Horst Galliard! Stop throwing a fit!” She said, stern and out of patience. Porco continued screaming and crying and she reached to pick him up and set him on his feet, holding him there every time he tried to flop down again. 

“What did Daddy tell you about throwing fits?” 

“That they’re for babies,” Marcel piped up. 

“That’s right, Marcel. Babies go to bed early when they cry and don’t get dessert. Do you want to go to bed early with no dessert, Pock?” 

Porco shook his head, starting to calm down to just sniffles, red-faced and still scowling. 

“That’s better. Now. Use your words and talk to me.” 

For a moment Porco stared at her, sullen and fuming, anger still smoldering. Then he looked after Reiner. 

“I hate him.” 

“We don’t use hurtful language like that, Porco.” 

“I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!!” Porco screamed this at the top of his lungs, causing his mother to wince and Marcel to jump and cover his ears. 

His mother narrowed her blue eyes and stood up. “We’ll handle this at home.” 

Porco’s stomach churned at that. That tone was a serious one. It was the one that meant no dessert, early bedtime, and time-out. 

“I’m sorry…” He said in his sweetest, smallest voice. 

His mother just shook her head, taking both her sons by the hand and leading them back towards the car. “You’re sorry because you know you’re going to be punished, not because you mean it.” 

She helped her sons into the van and buckled them into their car seats. 

“Reiner’s fault...he started it…” 

“I know very well he didn’t start this fight.” 

“He took my truck!” 

“It’s not your truck, Pock. It’s for sharing.” 

“NO!” Porco screamed as his mother shut the car door and got behind the wheel. 

“One more word and I’m going to give you an even longer timeout,” she warned him. 

Porco went silent, looking out the window as they began driving home, sulking and resentful. He would take his punishment. He would move classes. He would be forced to offer an insincere apology. But in his little heart of hearts he privately vowed that he would never, ever stop hating Reiner Braun. 

* * *

“Oh my god get a load of that loser.” Porco said loudly, leaning against the lockers in Liberio Middle School and sneering at Reiner. His friends guffawed and followed his gaze as Reiner ducked his head and hurried to load his books from his locker into his backpack.

“What? Not gonna talk to us?” Jeered Porco, approaching quickly, a confident swagger to his gait. “Think you’re too good for us? Huh?”

He shoved Reiner and sent the bag tumbling to the ground, books scattering across the crowded hallway, kicked by careless feet. Reiner scrambled for them while Porco watched in satisfaction.

“Stop it, Galliard!” Reiner cried angrily, grabbing one book and reaching for another. 

“Make me!” Porco sneered, stepping up to Reiner, looking down his upturned nose at him. His early growth spurt set him head and shoulders above almost all the other boys in his year and he enjoyed the feeling of power it gave him. “Go on! Make me stop. Grow a pair, Braun!” 

The words were barely out of his mouth before the air was knocked from him in a comical wheeze by a fist striking him in the diaphragm. Several people around them gasped and then a ring was formed as everyone rushed to see the fight that was now inevitable. 

Porco straightened up slowly, hand over his already bruising abdomen, a snarl twisting his face. Reiner looked suitably alarmed, raising his hands and stammering out an apology that fell on deaf ears. Porco fell upon Reiner with a vengeance, fighting dirty as he pulled hair and kicked Reiner’s legs out from under him, the world becoming a blur in his anger until he was jolted out of it by a hand grabbing his collar and dragging him off of Reiner, still kicking and swinging wildly. 

“Galliard! Porco Galliard, that’s enough!” Roared Principal Magath, giving him a sharp shake. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, boy?” 

Porco knew better than to answer and just fixed Reiner with an icy glare. Any bit of exposed skin burned from scratches Reiner had clawed into him as he fought back. 

“You can’t even fight like a man...” He gasped out, spitting blood at Reiner and kicking a discarded textbook deliberately out of reach. Another foot stopped it and the owner stooped to pick it up, dusting off the cover before going to hand it to Reiner and help him up. Bertholt Hoover. 

Porco slumped. Of course. No wonder the Principal had gotten there so fast when straight-laced, teacher’s pet Bertholt had run to rat him out for fighting. 

Reiner got unsteadily to his feet, blood streaming down his face from a broken nose and ruining his shirt. 

Magath turned Porco away and began herding him towards the office, lecturing him the whole way: “Think of what your parents will say!” “Third time this month, Galliard!” “Detention isn’t enough for you?” “Next time it’ll be a suspension!” 

It was nothing new, all things he had heard before time and time again with increasing frequency since his father was discharged from the military after an injury, since tension at home had begun to grow; since savings accounts began being emptied to deal with surgery after surgery; since tempers snapped under the slightest provocation, real or imagined, and patience was stretched paper thin. 

He tuned the lecture out, glancing back through the rapidly thinning crowd to see Bertholt helping stop the flow of blood from Reiner’s nose, smiling warmly as he comforted his friend. Even with a broken nose and blackening eye, Reiner was grinning and starting to gather his books, his encounter with Porco already fading from memory.

An unpleasant feeling twisted in Porco’s gut and he looked away, the scowl darkening. 

_“I hate that fucking moron…”_

* * *

The mood in the locker room was energetic and optimistic as the members of the Liberio Warriors undressed and cleaned themselves off after a long, cold practice in a steady drizzle that turned the field to a mudslide under their cleats. Porco dropped his helmet on a bench and began removing his uniform, listening to whatever qualified as “hot gossip” for the football team.

“You hear about Hoover and Annie?” 

That question caught his attention amidst the drone of otherwise dull chatter, and Porco focused and listened. 

“What about them?” Jaeger asked, untying his hair from its man bun and letting it fall around his shoulders as he stripped for a shower. 

“They got together! Duh!” 

“What?” Porco piped up then, sitting down and untying his laces. “Hoover actually asked her out? I thought he was too scared to!” 

“I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I do know I saw them making out behind the gym yesterday after practice.” 

There was a crash behind them and water flowed over Porco’s feet, soaking his cleats and sneakers where he had set them on the ground next to him. He looked back, frowning, and saw 

Reiner stooping to pick up his spilled water bottle from where he had dropped it on the grimy tile floor. 

“Seriously?” Porco growled. “Thanks a lot, Braun!” 

“Sorry…” Reiner seemed distracted. “You’re sure it was them, Colt?” 

Colt nodded, grabbing his towel and turning to the showers. “Course I’m sure. Tall, dark, skinny, had a basketball jersey with “Hoover” across the back. Kinda hard to mistake him for anyone else.” 

“But...With Annie? Really?” Reiner asked weakly, wringing his rain and sweat soaked jersey in his hands. 

Jaeger scoffed, “Who else? Everyone’s seen the way he looks at her. Can’t see what she sees in him, but-” 

“He’s a great guy!” Reiner snapped. “That’s what she sees in him! A great, smart, sweet guy who’s going to treat her so well…” 

Porco raised his eyebrows as he took a swig of Gatorade. He had not seen that outburst coming. 

“Woah, relax, man!” Jaeger held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Didn’t mean to insult your best friend, I know he’s a great guy. They’re just an unlikely pair.” 

Reiner nodded, gaze averted as he gathered his things and shoved them into his gym bag. Porco watched him from the corner of his eye as he finished removing his protective gear and most of his uniform. 

“Galliard, you down to come over tonight?” Jaeger asked. 

“Hm?” 

“Team building? Bro night? Come on, man! I sent it in the groupchat!” 

“Oh, right. Yeah, I’ll be there.” 

“Cool! What about you, Reiner?” 

Reiner shook his head, “You know, I think I need to stay home tonight. Babysitting my little cousin.” 

“Lame!” Jaeger chuckled. “I’ll drink a beer in your memory.” 

“Thanks, man!” Reiner laughed, turning towards the door. His forced smile faded the moment his back was to Jaeger, and Porco did not miss the way his expression tightened into a look of hurt and grief. 

So he had been right. Porco got up, grabbing his towel and going to claim one of the last free showers before all the hot water ran out. Reiner’s reaction to learning of Bertholt’s new relationship replayed on a loop in Porco’s mind as he tilted his head back and let hot water beat a tattoo on his skin, mulling over what to do with this confirmation. 

Reiner Braun liked Bertholt Hoover, and in more than a best friend way. It was sensitive information, a spark of a rumor just begging to be fanned into flames. Something like this would become a wildfire, catching the whole school’s interest with the scandal of it. Reiner Braun, the star football captain, the idol of all, had a big gay crush on his straight best friend. 

Yet somehow the idea of being the origin of such a rumor, of bringing Reiner’s social standing crashing down around him, held no real appeal to Porco. It just was not his style. He would not be the one to reveal this secret, however obvious it had seemed to him. The truth was there for those who wanted to seek it out. That was how Porco had learned it. 

He had seen the way Reiner looked at him. 

* * *

“Why?” 

The question was whimpered to the darkness in a slurring, cracked voice. 

“Why? Why him? Why? Anyone but him…” 

Porco swallowed a sob that rose in his throat, chasing it with a swig of cheap beer from the more than half empty six pack that sat open next to him, stacked on top of a second one, his six-dollar solace. 

“S’not fucking fair…” He mumbled angrily to the bottle he held in his trembling grip. “S’not…” 

He drained the bottle and threw it hard, hearing it shatter against the brick wall a few feet away, a musical shower of broken glass joining the rest of the garbage that littered the concrete floor of the alley where Porco hid, curled up between the dumpster and recycling bin. 

“You hear me?!” Porco shouted, dragging himself to his feet and shouting at the patch of sky above him. “You took the wrong _fucking_ man!” 

All the prayers. All the candles his mother and father lit for his brother’s safe return, hell, all the candles he had lit, clinging to the shred of faith that lingered, a remnant of childish belief in a higher, guardian power, all of it was for nothing. Useless. Wasted. No one had been listening. No one had been watching. Marcel was dead and he had died alone. 

An anguished wail tore from Porco and he crumpled to the ground again, doubled over under the weight of his loss, fingers threading through and tearing out his ginger hair. 

Too much. It was all too much. 

He reached for another bottle, fingers fumbling with the bottle opener on his Swiss army knife. On his third try another bent bottle-cap fell to the ground and the bitter amber beverage burned on the way down his throat as Porco chugged it. 

A shadow fell over him and Porco looked to his left, blinking to clear his vision and better identify the figure blocking out the orange glow of the streetlights. 

“Porco?” He groaned, turning away. 

“Fuck off, Reiner…” 

Reiner shuffled his feet, kicking at a rusty screw and watching it skitter across the pavement and out of sight in the shadows. 

“Can’t do that...your mother sent me. She’s worried about you. Your dad too.” 

Porco scoffed, “Don’t care...go away.” 

“Porco, please…” Reiner’s gaze fell on the half empty six pack and the shattered remnants of bottles surrounding Porco. “You’re going to kill yourself like this...” 

“Good.” Porco said, taking a defiant swig. “Not that you’ll miss me.” 

“That’s not-” 

“What? Not what, Reiner? True?” Porco laughed, or at least gave a harsh, bitter imitation of one. “We both know that’s not true. Don’t lie, golden boy. Don’t pretend that you, Mr. Homecoming King, Mr. Most Likely to Succeed, Mr. Football Scholarship, give a single flying fuck about me. You don’t like me. I don’t like you. That’s how it’s always been and always will be. So kindly let me drink myself to death in peace.” 

He dropped the empty bottle. Without the usual force behind it, it simply cracked and rolled towards the street, stopping when it bumped against Reiner’s ratty tennis shoes. 

“No.” Reiner said quietly. 

Porco sighed heavily as he got himself another drink, ignoring Reiner now. A hand closed around his wrist, preventing him from using his bottle-opener and he tugged. 

“Let go!” 

Reiner’s grip remained firm, not enough to hurt or bruise, but enough to keep an alcohol addled Porco from breaking free. The Swiss army knife fell to the ground with a clatter and Reiner reached to take the bottle gently from Porco’s hands.

“Come on, Porco…Let’s get you home. Marcel wouldn’t want you to end up like this…” Reiner said quietly. 

Porco sniffled, “It’s not fair…”

“I know…” A hand stroked his messy hair soothingly. “I know it’s not…I’m so sorry, Porco…If there’s anything you need…Anything I can do for you…”

“I don’t need you…don’t need anything from you…”

Reiner sighed and moved to help him up, taking most of Porco’s weight as he did so. 

“Alright then up you get, Porky.”

“Fuck off…” Porco groaned, clinging to Reiner anyway. “I fucking...hate you...and your stupid smile…stupid smug smile…”

Reiner chuckled, “Yeah, yeah, I know. Let’s get you home, patched up, and in bed.” 

“Don’t go in my room…s’my room…” Porco slurred, trailing off into indistinct mumbling as Reiner half carried, half dragged him home, the yellow streetlights blurring into a haze around him as they went. 

He knew they were walking up onto a porch, knew they had gone inside a house, heard his parents’ voices as if from a long distance, and then he was lifted into Reiner’s arms and being carried upstairs. Porco’s head rolled on his neck, lolling against Reiner’s shoulder, eyes closing as his nose was filled with the scent of Old Spice, laundry detergent, and the faintest hint of cologne. 

With great effort, Reiner managed to get Porco to his room, removing his shoes and socks and then helping him out of his filthy clothes at the request of Mr. Galliard. Porco was in no state to protest, not truly aware of what was happening. He just lay back in bed in nothing but his boxers, mumbling to himself. Reiner caught his own name a few times as he set to work cleaning the cuts on Porco’s hands, wondering how on earth his classmate had not noticed the shards of beer bottles stuck in his palms. 

By the end of an hour, Porco was relatively clean, hands covered in multiple colorful bandaids, and tucked into bed on his side with a bucket beside him in case he needed to be sick. 

Reiner took a moment to study him, wondering how someone who never seemed to smile could look so sweet as he slept. His heart twisted a bit even as he thought that and he shook the thoughts away, pausing only briefly to indulge in smoothing a few stray locks of hair back off Porco’s forehead. Then he was gone, the door closing and plunging the room into darkness. 

When Porco woke the next morning, all he could do was gaze in confusion at the bandaids on his hands as he breathed in the lingering scent of stale cologne. 

* * *

The air stank of sweat and motor oil on the army training grounds as Porco stood at attention chin up as he gazed unflinchingly into the officer’s face mere inches from his own, close enough to smell the not so stale cigarettes on his breath and feel spittle on his face. He remained steadfast. 

“You think you have what it takes to make it with the best of the best, Galliard?!” 

“Sir! Yes, sir!” 

“You’re pretty short for a soldier aren’t you, Galliard?! You realize we’re going to run you into the ground, don’t you, soldier? Can your short legs keep up, boy?!”

“Yes, sir!” Porco bore the tongue-lashing and scorn, refusing to crack.

“Show me! Push-ups! Now! And don’t stop until I tell you!”

“Yes, sir!”

Porco dropped to the ground and began his push-ups as the officer moved on to shout at other men, pacing himself to avoid exhaustion. The yelling seemed endless. Porco could taste dust in his mouth, his army green shirt darkened and soaked with sweat as he continued on, zoning out. 

“Right, men, let’s get moving! I want five laps of the compound on the double! Last ten back get dish duty. Galliard! Quit playing in the dirt!”

Porco nearly fell on his face he was so relieved, arms shaking. A hand entered his field of vision, offering help. He took it, looking up to thank the soldier when his eyes went wide with shock. 

_“Reiner?!”_ He cried as he was hoisted to his feet.

“Run and talk, Galliard,” Reiner told him, giving him a nudge forward and breaking into a run to catch up with the rest of their group. 

Porco fell into step beside him, taking a moment to find his pace and steady his breathing. 

“Why…the hell…are you here?” He managed. “You had a football scholarship! Ivy League!”

Reiner shrugged, “Decided I didn’t want to do football my whole life up until I broke something or tore my ACL and suddenly had no options. Wanted to see the world. Help people. Figured the military was a safe bet.”

“Safe?” Porco snorted.

“Well, a solid bet,” Reiner amended. “If nothing else I’ll see the world, right?” 

Porco nodded as they reached the center of the group and could slow a bit now that they were not dead last.

“Right. It’ll be a big change from Liberio though.” 

“I need a change. We both need a change. That’s why you’re here, right?” 

Porco didn’t answer for a heartbeat, considering his answer. 

“I guess,” He finally said. “I guess that’s why, yeah.” 

He sped up, ignoring how his legs protested this fresh abuse, leaving Reiner behind in the middle of the pack and pushing himself to join the front runners, determined not to be anything but the best, to stand out in the group and to make his brother proud. 

He came to a halt in a cloud of dust, doubling over, hands on his knees and gasping for breath, coughing as his throat was choked and scratched. He had earned a brief moment of rest while the others took their time arriving. 

Reiner joined him moments later, red-faced, and drenched in sweat. Porco reached up to run his fingers through his hair in a practiced gesture, finding only an unfamiliar buzzed haircut instead of the old slicked back style. A large hand attempted to ruffle his hair with little success and he fixed Reiner with a frosty glare, which did little to discourage and only incited a laugh. 

But somehow a familiar laugh was all it took to set Porco at ease in an otherwise daunting, new environment. 

He grinned back, pushing Reiner’s hand away. 

“Hands to yourself, Braun.”

Reiner shoulder-checked him, enough to send Porco stumbling a few paces, “Whatever you say, Galliard.”

The soldiers milled about as their officers sent them off towards the mess hall. Porco walked beside Reiner who seemed comfortable with him, both of them glad to have a familiar face in the sea of strangers. 

“You know, I don’t miss home at all,” Reiner said. “But I’m really glad you’re here. I think I would have missed you.”

The heat that rose to Porco’s cheeks had nothing to do with the exercise he had just finished, but all he did was roll his eyes.

“You’re such a loser,” He said, and the two of them shared a grin. 

* * *

“You’re such a loser….” Porco muttered to himself, his bitter voice loud in the silence of the empty barrack. “What’re you going to do now, huh? Go home? God….” 

He shoved his civilian clothes into his bag haphazardly. To hell with order. To hell with everything!

“Porco?”

Reiner’s voice cut through Porco’s bitter, hateful internal tirade and he looked to the door, seeing Reiner’s familiar frame silhouetted against the bright backdrop of the yard. Even in his low moments Porco had time to briefly appreciate how Reiner had bulked up in the military. He looked like a goddamn Greek god. 

“I’m here,” He called out, tone rough with a strained, forced cheerfulness. 

Reiner’s heavy footfalls drew nearer as Porco hastily worked to tidy the bag a little bit. When they stopped beside him, the silence between them felt like a weight pressing down on Porco’s chest, making it hard to breath. He knew Reiner was waiting for him to speak, but he felt as though nothing would come out, even if he tried. So he kept his gaze averted and slowly folded his uniform, setting it aside on the stripped mattress, it’s linens already sent to be washed for the next soldier who needed them. 

“So they really did it?” Reiner asked, the bedframe creaking in protest as he sat on the bed. Porco jerked his head in what approximated a nod, and Reiner heaved a sigh.

“Are you okay…?”

Another nod. A long pause. Then a nearly imperceptible shake of the head.

Reiner considered Porco’s drawn, sorrowful expression, then held out his arms for a hug. He rolled his eyes at the scornful glare Porco directed at him.

“Oh come on! No one’s here to judge. You need a hug, and I’m going to give you one whether you want it or not.”

“You suck…” Porco grumbled, getting up and sitting by Reiner to be enveloped in a bear hug, crushed against Reiner’s chest. “Ow…” 

“Baby.” 

“Yes?” 

“No, I mean you’re a baby,” Reiner laughed. 

Porco rolled his eyes and hid his face against Reiner, “I’m allowed to be….” 

He relaxed as Reiner’s fingers began trailing through his buzzed hair, a successful attempt at soothing him. 

“I know…I know you are….” Reiner sighed. “Just…remember this isn’t your fault, okay?” 

“It is….” 

“It isn’t,” Reiner insisted sternly. “It’s not your fault you have PTSD. You couldn’t have known that without a diagnosis!” 

“I should’ve known I was fucked up when I started having those fucking panic attacks…” 

“Anyone can have panic attacks, that’s not uncommon…” 

“Night terrors then!” 

“I’ve had those, Porco.” 

“Then…Then I just…I should have just….” 

A hand cupped his cheek and lifted his chin so his gaze met Reiner’s. 

“Pock. Stop blaming yourself. Marcel wouldn’t be disappointed in you for not becoming a soldier.” 

Porco’s throat tightened and his vision blurred with tears, through which he could make out a sad, understanding smile on Reiner’s face. 

“I just…I wanted to be like him….” 

Reiner tucked him close, swaying with him as he pressed a kiss to Porco’s forehead. 

“I know, baby…I know…but you aren’t him. You’re you, and you should be you.” 

Porco slumped, the wind out of his sails. “I don’t even know who I am anymore…Everything I planned was centered on the army…I can’t go home and face my parents…tell them I couldn’t make it. Go to community college in a small town and live a boring normal life. I’ll never be anything more than mediocre at this rate.” 

Reiner snorted, trying to cover a laugh and failing. Porco pulled back a bit, hurt. 

“So this is funny to you?” He asked, scowling. 

“No! God, no! It’s just…Porco Galliard, when have you ever been mediocre?” Reiner asked. 

“I—“ 

Two fingers over his lips silenced Porco, albeit reluctantly. He glared at Reiner who simply smiled. 

“Porco, you’re _incredible_. How do you not see that? You’re strong enough to make it in the army if you were given the chance. Top of the class! You did well in school too, don’t pretend you didn’t. You weren’t valedictorian, but I saw how hard you studied. I know you can do well at whatever you set your mind to. So wherever you end up going after this, I know you’re going to be _amazing_. I can’t wait to see what you do.” 

Porco sniffled and leaned into Reiner’s touch. “Really…?” 

“Really…Swear on our love.” 

“God, I told you not to say that! It’s so mushy and gross!” Porco groaned. 

Reiner laughed, leaning in and kissing his nose, “Too bad! You’re going to have to deal with it!” 

Seizing the front of his shirt, Porco tugged Reiner into a kiss that, for all his ferocity, was nothing but sweet and gentle. Reiner melted against him and returned it. The world seemed a little less harsh and a little more bearable when they parted, wearing the somewhat shy and flustered smiles of a couple still getting used to the relationship. 

“I’m going to miss you,” Porco murmured. “So much…” 

“I’ll miss you too….” 

“It’ll be hard visiting when you’re always on base…” Porco sighed. 

Reiner nodded thoughtfully, “Unless…unless you lived on base too.” 

Porco looked up, confused, “I’m discharged, remember? I can’t stay here.” 

“Not in the barracks, no, but we could live in military housing together if we apply for it.” 

The proud grin on Reiner’s face told Porco that he had been planning something like this for a long time. 

“And how are we supposed to get a house or apartment in the twenty-four hours before I’m supposed to leave?” 

Reiner got up and went to his bunk across the way, rummaging in his footlocker and coming back with papers, beaming as he said, “I’ve been planning this for a while so I went ahead and found us an apartment for when you and I had graduated from basics. That way we’d always have somewhere to come back to when we got deployed. But now you can stay there!” 

Taking the papers, Porco looked them over, “Reiner…” 

He noticed an error and his brow furrowed, “There’s a mistake here. You got us family housing. For spouses and military brats. I can’t stay in—“ 

Realization dawned even as he spoke and Porco stared at Reiner who now looked a bit sheepish and definitely very nervous. 

“I wanted to ask you in a better way…we can go out to dinner somewhere nice if you want and I can ask then and you can act all surprised—“ 

He was cut off by Porco hugging him so tight he thought he felt some ribs crack. 

“Yes! Yes, you perfect, adorable idiot!” 

Reiner sputtered, holding Porco and trying not to topple over, “But I didn’t even ask yet!”

“Then do it!” Porco pulled back, beaming. “Ask me!”

Chuckling, Reiner moved off the bed and knelt, taking from his pocket the simple tungsten band he had retrieved from the footlocker along with the papers. 

“Will you marry me, Porco Galliard?”

Porco held out his hand and let Reiner slid on the ring before he leaned in to kiss Reiner. 

“Yes.”

* * *

The default iphone ringtone echoed through the still very empty apartment. It rang for a while before Porco sprinted in, hair messy from napping, and snatched it off the large moving box draped in a sheet that served as his dining table and tablecloth.

“Hello?”

“Porco!”

The volume of Reiner’s joyful greeting made Porco jerk the phone away from his ear, face caught between a grimace and a grin.

“How are you?! Are you settling in okay?! Are you taking care of yourself? Eating enough?”

“Jeez, slow down, Mom!” Porco laughed. “I’m doing fine, you know I am. Mostly unpacked, planning on getting some basic furniture soon. You know, boring civilian things.”

Reiner groaned, “I wish I could do boring civilian things with you…”

“Yeah, I know. But you’re doing important stuff over there too. Serving your country.”

“It’s a lot less exciting than you’d think. I’ve been on patrol every night since arriving here and nothing’s happened.”

“Good,” Porco said, leaning on the counter. “I don’t want anything to happen. I want you to be bored out of your mind for your whole deployment. Bored means you’re safe.”

“Awww you’re worried about me!” Reiner cooed.

Porco rolled his eyes, “Of course I’m worried about you, dipshit, I’m your husband!”

“In the eyes of the law only.”

“It was a civil ceremony, that’s what counts!” Porco said.

“But it wasn’t a fancy wedding!” Reiner groaned.

Porco smiled a bit, tracing the grout between the tiles in the kitchen floor with one toe as he listened.

“We can have a big wedding when you get home. You know, like we’ve already discussed _every time you call_.” 

Reiner’s laugh made Porco’s heart melt and ache all at once. He missed seeing his smile and the way he tossed his head back and made the room brighter with his mirth. 

“I have to make sure you don’t forget!” 

“I’m not going to forget, babe!” 

There was silence on the other end of the line. Porco frowned, straightening up. 

“Reiner?” 

Silence.

“Reiner? Babe, are you there?” Porco asked, anxious now.

“You called me “babe.’” Reiner whispered gleefully and Porco heaved a sigh of relief.

“You’re the worst, I thought something happened to you!” He groaned.

“Sorry, sorry! I’m just…so happy. It’s so good hearing your voice again.” Reiner said, his tone growing wistful.

Walking back towards the bedroom, Porco smiled sadly, “Yeah…It’s good hearing yours too.”

He sat down on the edge of the queen-sized bed, a gift from several members of their old boot-camp buddies to congratulate them on “getting hitched.” It had been nice the first few nights when they had taken ample time to break it in, but now that it was just Porco in the apartment the bed felt too big and far too empty.

“I miss you…” He whispered. “A lot….”

“I miss you too, Pock…” Reiner said. “How have you been holding up? Really? Any…you know…”

“A few panic attacks. Some night terrors…”

“I should be there…”

“You shouldn’t. You’re needed elsewhere. You’re moving up in the ranks and you should keep at it. I’m proud of all your hard work. I’m fine here. I can handle this.”

“I know you can. I’m so, so proud of you. You’re fighting a war I can’t even imagine.”

Porco smiled, falling backwards to lay sprawled across the bed.

“Nah, it’s nothing like that. Not a war, just a journey. I’ll take it one step at a time until you come home and things will get so much better.”

“And until then I’ll call as much as possible,” Reiner promised.

“You better! I might get lonely and replace you.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“I might. I’m pretty sure I could order a body pillow of you that would work just as well. And Body Pillow Reiner wouldn’t hog all the sheets.”

“I said I was sorry!” Reiner cried. Someone shouted behind him and the audio grew muffled as if he had covered the phone for a moment. Porco frowned, worry immediately creeping into his mind again.

“Sorry, Porco…Time’s up. I’ve got to go eat and then get to work.”

“Oh…okay. I’ll talk to you again soon then.”

“Definitely. As soon as I can. Tomorrow if I can make our times work.”

“Okay. And even if you can’t just call, I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night.”

He could hear the smile in Reiner’s voice as he replied, “Yes, sir…I love you, Porco.”

“I love you too, Reiner.”

Porco smiled to himself as the line went dead.

* * *

“I love him. God, help him, please...I love him...”

Those were the words Porco Galliard whispered to himself as he sat, head in his hands in the waiting room of a hospital. His nails dug into his skin at his hairline, leaving red crescents in the pale white as he tried to ground himself somehow, to reach out and find something stable to stand on when the entirety of his world was being ripped out from under him.

“Pock...” Pieck’s soft voice broke through the deafening chaos of his thoughts and Porco looked up sharply, revealing a face left blotchy red and white from a hard cry, eyes red rimmed and sleepless from a night spent waiting for any sort of information.

Pieck held out her arms and Porco didn’t hesitate to get up and envelope her in a tight hug, a ragged gasp tearing from him as he curled his fingers into the fabric of her blouse. She shifted position slightly on her crutches to avoid toppling over, and raised one hand to smooth Porco’s ginger hair.

“Shh...deep breaths, Pock...deep breaths...” Pieck murmured, her other hand going to rest on his chest to remind him to match her own slow, steady inhalations and exhalations. He had never been good at regulating.

Sniffling and struggling, Porco tried his best to obey, focusing on his breathing and Pieck’s soothing voice.

“Good...can we sit down? My legs might give out.” Pieck sighed. Porco nodded and guided her over, easing her down into the hard, flat waiting room chair. He took her crutches and leaned them against the wall by Pieck before sitting beside her, wringing his hands together in his lap.

Pieck turned her deep brown eyes on him sadly. “Have you heard anything...?”

Porco shook his head. “Not yet...I tried asking but the military hospital doesn’t recognize our marriage so I’m “not family,” and “not entitled” to any information...” His words carried the weary drone of the receptionist who had told him those exact words multiple times over the past several hours, though laced with a deep-seated bitterness that was all his own. He grit his teeth, a flash of anger breaking through his sorrowful countenance. “His parents aren’t even here! He shouldn’t wake up alone!”

“I know...I know...” Pieck murmured, rubbing his arm. “It’s frustrating but you can’t get angry and start snapping at everyone, you’ll only make things worse for yourself...

“I need to see him...I just need to see that he’s alive...that’s all.” Porco’s voice lowered as he hid his face in his hands again.

Pieck reached to rub his back. What more could she really do aside from offer support and a shoulder to cry on? So they sat in silence, each caught up in their own anxious thoughts as they leaned on each other in the eerie midnight silence of the waiting room.

“Mr. Galliard?”

Porco’s head snapped up as a nurse approached them. “Yes?” His voice came out cracked and raspy, desperation etched on every feature.

“Sergeant Braun is awake. He’s asked for you specifically.”

Already on his feet, Porco stepped forward. “Take me to him, please!”

He turned to offer Pieck his hand but she waved him off. “Go to Reiner. You two need some time alone.”

Porco nodded and turned away again, following the nurse through the maze of hallways to room 369. A smile tugged at Porco’s lips. Reiner would get a kick out of that room number. He would have to tell him…but now was not the right time. Maybe the right time would never come. Maybe this incident had changed Reiner beyond all recognition. Maybe there would be no more jokes, no more laughter and teasing, no more late-night talks as they dreamed of the future. Maybe the room number wasn’t so funny after all.

The door swung open and the nurse let him inside. Porco’s gaze scanned the room, seeing the flowers and the cards, the Purple Heart and Medal of Valor on the bedside table...and Reiner, lying in bed covered up, part of his face swathed in gauze with a noticeable abnormality in the way the blankets lay, the bump that was his left leg coming to an abrupt end above where the knee should be.

Reiner turned his head and immediately his face lit up. “Porco...”

Porco was at his side before the word was finished, taking Reiner’s hand and bringing it to his lips, his worries vanishing like mist in bright sunlight. “About time you woke up, asshole.”

“Sorry...I’ve always liked sleeping in...”

Porco let out a bark of laughter. “Yeah. Yeah I suppose you have...you earned this rest though...”

“I guess…”

“You did...you’re the bravest fucking soldier in the whole army. I heard you got your men out of an ambush to safety…”

Reiner’s expression grew pained in a way Porco knew had nothing to do with his injuries. “Not...not all of them...Marco...I lost Marco…”

Tears filled his eyes and Porco kissed his hand again, lips feather-light against scraped and bruised knuckles. “You didn’t know about the landmines...you couldn’t have known…”

“I could have gone ahead...I shouldn’t have fallen back to talk to Kirstein...I should have been in the front...I should be dead instead of Marco…”

Porco’s heart ached as he saw Reiner’s tears, reaching to try to dry them. “More would’ve died without you to get them out…you know that...deep down you know, Reiner…”

Reiner closed his eyes and pressed his lips together in a thin line to hide how the lower one trembled. Porco reached to feel his short hair, running his fingers through it slowly as his other hand endured the white-knuckled grip of Reiner’s calloused hand.

“I’m so proud of you, Reiner…” He murmured, leaning close and cupping his husband’s cheek with his free hand. “So, so proud.”

Reiner’s eyes close and he leaned into Porco’s touch, turning his head to kiss the palm, his stubble rough against Porco’s skin.

“Thank you…I needed to hear that…”

A smile tugged at Porco’s lips and he nodded, “Then I’ll keep telling you that. I’ll tell you so much you’ll have to beg me to stop.” 

Reiner chuckled and the familiar sound, though weak, was enough to boost Porco’s spirits. Reiner would be alright. _They_ would be alright. 

He laced their fingers together and a comfortable, intimate silence stretched between them. 

“So…” Porco said, “guess what room number you’re staying in.” 

* * *

“Come on, Sarge!” Porco called, crouching and holding up a treat, “Come here, boy!” 

The sandy-furred ball of energy that was their new shelter puppy came bounding towards him, tripping over paws that were too big for his body. He stopped in front of Porco, wagging his whole body in joy as he gazed at the treat suspended above him. 

“Sit,” Porco said, firm but gentle. After a moment of fidgeting, Sarge plopped himself down, panting. 

“Good boy!” Porco fed him the treat and spoiled him with petting and ear scritches. 

“Porco!” 

Reiner’s call immediately distracted Porco and he got up to walk briskly inside, Sarge trotting behind him, tail wagging like a metronome. Together they found Reiner standing in the living room, leaning heavily on a cane. 

“You’re back early!” Porco said, reaching for him. 

Reiner smiled, holding out his free hand, which Porco took and held between both of his own. “Pieck had something personal come up, but I’m making good progress so we both didn’t mind ending a bit early. I think Udo’s daycare called, but she didn’t seem too worried.” 

“I’ll check in with her later,” Porco decided, “Just to make sure everything’s alright.” 

He squeezed Reiner’s hand. “How do you feel? PT didn’t take too much out of you? Can I get you a drink?” 

“I’d love one,” Reiner agreed. 

Porco went into the kitchen to get him a glass of water, listening to Reiner’s uneven, mismatched footsteps, the regular footstep followed by the metallic clunk of his prosthetic leg. He was getting much better at balancing and walking, but Porco knew how difficult it was for someone as active as Reiner to be limited like this. Well, limited for now. They had both already agreed that when Reiner really got the hang of it they would train for and run in a marathon together. He couldn’t wait for that day to come. 

“What’s a man got to do around here for a glass of water?” Reiner called. 

Porco rolled his eyes, entering to see both Reiner and Sarge panting as though they had not had water in days. 

“Sit and wait patiently and then give your husband a kiss as payment.” 

“Now that I can do!” Reiner grinned, taking the glass with one hand and reaching to tug Porco in close for a kiss with the other, a kiss that Porco eagerly returned. 

As they parted, Porco moved to kneel by the couch, pushing up the leg of Reiner’s basketball shorts so he could get at the straps keeping the prosthetic in place. He heard Reiner’s sigh of relief as he loosened everything and then removed it, setting the leg aside on the coffee table. 

“Thanks, that was beginning to get uncomfortable.” 

“We’ll save up for a better one that’ll feel more natural and won’t chafe as much,” Porco promised. “Shouldn’t be too hard now that I’ve got my veterinary license and a stable job.” 

“Yeah…” Reiner pat the couch beside him and Porco sat, leaning into him and letting Reiner put an arm around him. 

“You stink.” 

“It’s my manly musk.” 

“Gross.” 

“You love me.” 

“You wish.” 

Reiner chuckled and kissed Porco’s cheek, his beard tickling him. “Don’t have to. I know it’s true. You show me every single day.” 

Porco closed his eyes, leaning against him, “Yeah?” 

“Yeah. And I’m so thankful to have you,” Reiner kissed his temple this time. “I’m the luckiest man alive.” 

“Now you’re exaggerating,” Porco laughed, but Reiner shook his head. 

“Not at all. Not even a little bit,” He placed a kiss on Porco’s upturned nose. “You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I don’t tell you that enough.” 

Porco shook his head even as he leaned in and kissed Reiner, “Sap….” 

He felt Reiner smile into the kiss and as they parted his husband shrugged, “Maybe. But I don’t hear you complaining.” 

“Mm…” Porco hummed noncommittally. 

Reiner covered Porco’s hand with one of his and Porco turned his so they were palm to palm, lacing their fingers together. “So…I’ve got some good news.” 

Porco eyed him. Good news could mean a wide variety of things when it came to Reiner. 

“What is it?” 

Squeezing his hand, Reiner smiled broadly at him, “Pieck thinks I’ll be able to walk without a cane by the time of the wedding.” 

Porco faced him, heart leaping, “Really?!” 

Reiner nodded, “Really! Which means we’ll actually be able to have our first dance!” 

“Reiner, that’s amazing! I’m so proud of you!” 

“Ah…It’s really thanks to Pieck…” 

“And thanks to you for working your ass off to get better!” Porco cried, grinning. “You’ve worked so fucking hard, give yourself a little credit!” 

Reiner pulled him close in a tight hug, “Then give yourself credit too. I never would’ve gotten this far without you.” 

Porco returned the hug, resting his chin on Reiner’s shoulder and closing his eyes, “I just did what anyone who loves you would do.” 

“What was that?” Reiner asked, and Porco could tell from his tone that he had a smug, shit-eating grin on his face. 

”You know what I said.” 

”But I want to hear you say it! I love when you say it!” Reiner pleaded. 

Porco rolled his eyes and stole a lingering kiss before whispering in a tone he only ever used for Reiner: “I love you.” 

And as he said that he knew, deep down in his heart of hearts, that he would never, ever stop loving Reiner Braun.


End file.
